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Hannah's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2003-03-28 22:40
Subject:My Mission Statement

My mission statement:

I will strive to be the woman that God has intended for me to be
By loving God and loving others
By serving God and serving others, practicing hospitality
And by creating a home environment that is warm and welcoming

I will be continually preparing myself for the purpose that God has called me to fulfill,
Preparing to be a lovely wife and a mother whose children admire her
And whose husband has full confidence in her
And will study and learn from older women
Who have already gained wisdom from God in these areas

I will wait patiently for the man that God has for my future.
I will pray for him and prepare myself for him,
Guarding my heart and emotions, and keeping myself pure,
In preparation for the man whom God considers worthy of my heart

I will live by faith, trusting that God has prepared in advance good works for me to do.
I will set about these works vigorously.
I will be devoted to God, and by His grace, live a life that is pleasing to Him.
I will be dependent upon Him for counsel and mercy,
As I strive to bring Him glory and honor all the days of my life

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Date:2003-01-09 01:09
Subject:A Time for Everything
Mood: hopeful

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Following these verses is my most favorite thing about the whole chapter. It says in verse 11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time."

It seems like a simple concept, but I found encouragement in this tonight. Starting a quarter is truly a season of completely new activities. As I look back upon the beauty of last quarter...a time of mending, weeping, giving up, silence, and healing...I praise the Lord for making those times beautiful. I am also excited for this new season, hopefully one of building, embracing, laughing, dancing and peace. I do not know what this season holds, but I cling to the hope that God will make it all beautiful!

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Date:2002-12-24 23:59

'Man does, indeed, need a radical change of heart;
he needs to begin to hate his sin instead of loving it,
and to love God instead of hating him; he needs, in a word,
to be reconciled to God. And the place, above all others,
where this change takes place is at the foot of the cross,
when he apprehends something of the hatred of God for sin
and his indescribable love for the sinner.'

- J.N.D. Anderson

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Date:2002-12-22 21:58
Subject:What in the world?!
Mood: confused

Ohhhkkay...so I'm a bit in shock about my evening. I guess there is a first time for everything. Let me start at the beginning. I finally went to see 'The Lord of the Rings' tonight with my family. So I offered to take a book and wait for hours in an obnoxiously long line while my sister and parents shopped and walked around. We bought tickets, and off I went to sit in line. After waiting in line for hours we finally got let into the theater. My family joined me and we waited another forty-five minutes in the theater. Then the movie began. The theater was full and their must have been fifteen previews before the film actually started. We were watching the movie, which was very good by the way, and all of a sudden we hear yelling coming from some guys in the back of the theater. I have no idea what they are yelling about, only that it had absolutely nothing to do with the movie and that is wasn't very nice words they were using with each other. Then after a few minutes of yelling back and forth they decide they should fight with their fists, just right there in the isle of the movie theater, with a full theater of people, attempting to watch a movie they paid nine dollars for and waited hours in line to see. So the guys were fighting and someone yelled something about a gun and then women and children began to flee from the theater. Finally the manager of the theater comes in with many employees and they ask everyone to calm down, turn the movie off, and break up the fight. Once they got the fighters out of the theater, the manager apologized and assured us we would all get free tickets as we exited the show. (Can you believe that over 200 people got free tickets because some stupid punks decided to fight in a movie?!) He explained that there was no rewind button, because it is film and therefore whatever we missed, was missed and they would start the movie from where it left off. People calmed down, the movie continued, and then we all got free tickets, but it was one of the strangest, most immature things I have ever witnessed. I just thought I would share that exciting, interesting event. That's all I have time for tonight though. I haven't been feeling very well, so it's back to recovering and resting so hopefully my headache and sore throat go away before Christmas. Happy Sunday!

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Date:2002-12-22 13:50

'The prison has been stormed,
and the gates of the prison have been opened,
but unless we leave our prison cells and
go forward into the light of freedom,
we are still unredeemed in actuality.'

-Donald Bloesch

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Date:2002-12-20 23:45

'If God speaks to us at all other than through such official channels as the Bible and the church, then I think that he speaks to us largely through what happens to us...if we keep our hearts and minds open as well as our ears, if we listen with patience and hope, if we remember at all deeply and honestly, then I think we come to recognize, beyond all doubt, that, however faintly we may hear him, he is indeed speaking to us, and that, however little we may understand of it, his word to each of us is both recoverable and precious beyond telling.'

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Date:2002-12-16 14:07
Subject:Have you ever wondered why God gives so much?

Have you ever wondered why God gives so much? We could exist on far less. He could have left the world flat and gray; we wouldn't have known the difference. But he didn't.

'He splashed orange in the sunrise
and cast the sky in blue.
And if you love to see geese as they gather,
chances are you'll see that too.

Did he have to make the squirrel's tail furry?
Was he obliged to make the birds sing?
And the funny way that chickens scurry
or the majesty of thunder when it rings?

Why give a flower fragrance? Why give food its taste?
Could it be
he loves to see
that look upon your face?'

-Max Lucado

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Date:2002-12-15 23:32
Subject:Sweet Home California
Mood: exhausted

I am finally home...after traveling for six days. I finished my finals on Tuesday, drove to Spokane on Wednesday morning, drove back from Spokane to the Seattle airport on Friday, flew to San Fransisco, and finally today I flew home. Needless to say, it has been a long week. I cannot believe how fast this quarter has gone by and what a difficult one it has been. God is at work though, and I am so excited to have this time of reflection now that I am home and settled with no commitments for the next couple of weeks. It is always so nice to feel as if you don't have to make extra time for resting in God and learning from Him, but rather all of your time can be for resting in God and you might have to squeeze other things in. I'm not sure if I said that the way I am thinking it, but hopefully you understand what I mean. Either way, I am very glad to be having this break time, especially to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
Spokane...was so wonderful! Arianna and I went to visit Spencer and his roommates. They were still finishing up their finals, so we cooked for them and cleaned and just wanted to bless them as they were finishing up their stressful semesters. They were mostly physics majors, so I can say with great confidence that their finals were much more difficult than mine. It was nice to spend some time away from Seattle and with men who actually knew how to treat us like ladies. I have almost forgotten what it is like to be treated the way God would like me to be treated by a man. It slightly restored my hope in men. I am finding that is the one thing that I am pessimistic about. Not so much on a personal level. I know that God wants to bless me and provide for the desires that He has placed in my heart. It may take a long time, but I know that God has a man for me. I am just disappointed and sad for the way that men are in general today. I feel that the gentlemeness and chivalry that should exist in men is missing. I'm not sure where it has gone to, but it makes me sad. Anyhow, it was a wonderful time. It was such a blessing to be able to spend so much time with Arianna before I left. We had wonderful and equally difficult conversations during our twelve hours of driving. These two people from our pasts seemed to be coming up quite frequently as we exchanged memories. It is so hard when one person is in so many memories. Especially when you aren't making memories with them anymore. Either way, the time Arianna and I had together was too short. I wish we could've stayed in Spokane for at least a few more days, but I had a wedding to be at...so off we drove to get me to the airport.
I barely made it to the airport after a missing key adventure, but I made it and flew into San Fransisco Friday night. I have this amazing friend in my life who happens to live in San Fran. She is so wonderful that she picked me up from the airport, let me stay at her house, let me borrow her car on Saturday for the wedding, and then took me to the airport today for my flight home. I couldn't have been more blessed! The wedding was indescribably one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. If you know this couple, you might understand. First of all, the church was beautiful. There were windows on one side and as the pastor was saying an opening prayer, inviting God to be a part of the union, the rain was beating against the windows with such awesome power and sound. It was as if God was making His presence known. The ceremony was beautiful. They had songs sung by sisters and brothers, a poem that Laura wrote to her father...thanking him for keeping her pure, the message, scripture reading, vows, and the first kiss. It was incredible. I have never known a couple who I have actually admired the way that I admire Laura and Scott. They have set a very good example of what a Christian courtship and relationship should look like before marriage. They have remained so pure and faithful in their love with one another, always making sure God was walking with them in their relationship. It was such a blessing for me to witness their union into marriage. I couldn't help but be emotional. I felt like the whole week had been a romantic and emotional week, so this just topped it all off. After the wedding we all got in our cars and drove 45 minutes in a storm to get to the reception hall. I have never seen such a beautiful room. I really shouldn't go so much into detail about everything, but let me just say that it was amazing. We had a little SPU table, which was fun because I got to spend some time with SPU guys (friends of Scott) that I hadn't really gotten to before. The food was amazing, the dancing, the celebrating, watching Laura and Scott together as husband and wife...it was wonderful. They left about 8:30 for 'bigger things' as Scott announced, and the rest of us stayed and danced until nine. Then we piled in cars and went to Jason's house for a fun game and fellowship. It was nice to be with my old girl friends again. I miss them so much. I left and headed back to Sarah's around 1am, and then had a wonderful conversation with her. I wish I had had a bit more energy, but I spoke with what I had and I left today wishing I had more time with her. Although I really wanted to be home at the same time.
So, in summary...the quarter has been the hardest quarter, more emotionally than academically, that I have had so far...but God is faithful and is at work in my heart, so I wouldn't take back one second of it. I am however, glad it is over, and glad to have time at home to reflect and respond to the work that God has been doing this quarter. The wedding was definitely something that God and His angels were throwing a party about in heaven, rejoicing over the covenant made between His children that have been loving and serving Him. My time in Spokane and with Arianna was refreshing. The more I spend time with her, the more I see what true friendship should look like. That's all I have for tonight. It is way past my bedtime. I will attempt to make shorter entries more frequently over the break, but this one needed to catch me up. Goodnight

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Date:2002-10-26 21:54
Subject:Long time...no journal
Mood: tired

It's been awhile...haha! I guess that once school started, I got too busy for my loyal journal fans...which is most likely no one. But hey, I feel like I can spare five minutes tonight. I have had a wonderful day! It's been one of those days when I didn't do much of anything, but enjoyed every moment. My roommate went shopping with her good friend and is spending the night downtown at her place, which means I have had the apartment all to myself. This means that I get silly. I take really long showers, take a very long time getting ready...curling my hair, putting on makeup (things I don't do all that often). And then I sing...all day...very loudly. I sing sing sing! I sometimes dance too, but I won't go into much about that. So, I've had a wonderful day. I also have had a wonderful first couple weeks of school. I started off somewhat uneasy, but I feel like I have everything in place somewhat. I have my schedule down, and I am on top of most of my reading. I did the most fun thing last week. I go to Bible study at Jonna's house on Tuesdays, and she has six children, three of them girls. So, after Bible study her daughters and I played dress up! Yes, I know I'm 20, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to get pretty in big fluffy dresses. They picked out my dress, and then I let them (them being an 8 year old and a 10 year old) do my makeup and hair. You can imagine I looked really good...haha. So, that's been my fun blessing these past couple weeks. God provided love, fun and giggles for me when I needed it most. I had been having a horrible day before that. Someone had said some very hurtful, not to mention untrue things about me and it had me in a sad mood. So this was the perfect ending to a rotten day...in a good sense. Um...that's about it. I am currently preparing myself for Bible study tomorrow night. I am leading a Bible study with younger girls on campus. I make them dinner on Sunday nights and we are studying this really neat book called Her Name Is Woman. Each chapter is about a different woman in the Bible and what we can learn from her relationship with God. It's a very interesting book. Anyhow, I should probably get back to reading it. I'll write again when I get some time. Bye bye!

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Date:2002-09-28 17:54
Subject:So excited!!!
Mood: curious

I am so excited!!! I start class on Monday, which isn't in itself exciting, but I love the idea of actually having structure in my life again. I basically have something going on Monday through Wednesday from 9:30am until 9pm. The end of my week is a bit more relaxed. I have a womens study on 2 Timothy at my church in the mornings, which I am very excited about, and then one class in the early afternoon. Anyhow, I'm sure you are all very curious to hear about my schedule and everything, but all I meant to say was that I have one starting Monday, after not having a schedule for two months and I am excited about it. This week was so wonderful. I got to spend some time with my mentor and her family. Basically, I got to observe and help a mother of six at work. I decided that six children really doesn't seem like that many...I could definitely have nine or so. hehe. Yes, I know I'm insane. Anyhow, I had such a fun time getting to know her children and husband better. I have spent some time with her and this time I spent the evening getting to know the children. Jonna (my mentor) and Paul (her husband) had friends over, another couple, for dessert and after the children went to bed we just sat up at talked until midnight. It was very interesting to participate in an adult conversation with people in their forties. Not that there is anything wrong with adult conversation, it's just not something I get a chance to do very often living surrounded by people in their early twenties. I realized how little I know about politics and past presidents, etc. It was fun to hear them discuss things that were going on when I was a child and relate that to current situations and people. So...enough about that. My roommate was supposed to move in today, but she didn't. I haven't heard from her, so I'm curious to see when she will actually show up. I'm glad that I am settled though. I saw Sweet Home Alabama last night. It was a cute movie. I just love Reese Witherspoon. She has been a favorite of mine for years. If you haven't seen The Man in the Moon, you should. I'm feeling boring, so I'm going to stop writing now. If I think of anything interesting, I'll update later. Ta-ta for now...

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Date:2002-09-24 03:06
Mood: pleased

Lord Jesus Christ; Let me seek you by desiring you, and let me desire you by seeking you; Let me find you by loving you, and love you in finding you. I confess Lord, with thanksgiving, that you have made me in your image, so that I can remember you, think of you, and love you. But that image is so worn and blotted out by faults, and darkened by the smoke of sin, that it cannot do that for which it was made, unless you renew and refashion it. Lord, I am not trying to make my way to your height, for my understanding is in no way equal to that; but I do desire to understand a little of your truth, which my heart already believes and loves. I do not seek to understand so that I can believe, but I believe so that I may understand; And what is more, I believe that unless I do believe, I shall not understand.
-prayer of St. Anselm

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Date:2002-09-20 14:12
Subject:Cough drops taste yucky!
Mood: sick

The drive to Seattle was fun. I'm so blessed to have friends like Sarah who would fly down to LA, then get into a car from the airport and drive back to where she flew from. I am so thankful for her. We had a good time. We drove to Monterey the first night and I love it there! The weather wasn't the greatest, but I would love to go back there someday, maybe on more of a romantic adventure. It was this cute little historical town. I really wanted to go to the aquarium too, but it was quite expensive. So, we drove from Monterey to Salem the next day...about a twelve hour drive. We felt proud that we made it that far, and that is where Sarah lives, so it was perfect, because we stayed at her house. The next day I drove alone to Seattle, but at that point it's really only four hours, so it wasn't too bad. I realized that I am not very good at entertaining myself. I don't think I've ever been if you ask my mom. If I was alone somewhere and quiet, that meant I was getting into trouble, dumping things onto the floor, etc. So...I made it to Seattle on Saturday, and to my church on Sunday, which was such a blessing. I missed my church. After church I went to Arianna's. It was so good to see her. I missed her so much! It was like we hadn't been apart for one day though. We always have plenty to talk about even if we haven't spoken for a day, so this just gave us that much more to talk about being apart for a month. We went to a see-you-at-the-pole rally, because she is a junior high leader at her church. It was really neat to hear the prayers of these young people. Not that I am not young, but I found encouragement from the hearts of children that love the Lord and are asking Him to use them for their schools. There was also this musician there...I forgot his name...but oh my! He was so blessed with talent! I could listen to his voice and guitar everyday for the rest of my life. It reminded me how nice it would be to marry a musician. Yes, I know I'm a dork. I just have such an appreciation for that kind of thing. So, we went back to her house and watched Pleasantville, because it was on TV. That movie has such interesting symbolism. Um, what else, I moved into my apartment on Monday. My things were already here, so basically I unpacked a bit and got my key. Don't you love it when your entire apartment building shakes because construction workers are tearing up the cement outside? It's been a lovely way to wake up at 7:30 every morning. It has actually been pretty funny, especially the first day when I had no idea why the building was vibrating. Oh, and my toilet doesn't work. It shoots water strait up in the air! But, I'm about 95% unpacked, and about 70% decorated, but I have a week or so to get all situated before my roommate moves in and classes start. I would be 100% in both of those categories, except that I got sick a couple days ago. I have a sore throat and a head ache, and now a runny nose. I rarely get sick, but when I do get sick, it seems like I am sick forever. I slept most of the day yesterday, and will most likely do the same today, in an attempt to get better. I've been productive in my sickness. I actually read a book assigned for a class this fall. I have about 18 books combined for all my classes this term, so having one read does not seem like much, but it's a start. I figure the more I can read before classes start, the better off I'll be. I would get very overwhelmed if I had to read two or three books a week. Anyhow, this isn't very exciting. Basically: I'm sick and kind of grumpy, but glad to be back in Seattle. Happy Friday!

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Date:2002-09-09 20:14
Subject:Road Trip, Movies, Shopping...basically just an update
Mood: ditzy

I hope you'd be glad to know that everything that was lost in my last entry has been found (with the exception of my favorite tank top, but I solved that dilema...I bought a new one). I've had a busy week. My sister is visiting from New York. She came in last Wednesday and we've been spending quite a bit of time together. I'm disappointed that I only have a week with her...I'm leaving on Thursday for Seattle. I am excited that I am leaving though. I am ready to be back at school, plus I get to spend a few days with one of my very best friends! We are going on a road trip!! We only have a couple days, but I think we are planning on going to Monterey and Carmel and fun places along the coast. We don't get to spend a lot of time together during the year, because of distance, so that makes this trip that much more exciting and special. I miss her so much! Hmm...I'm trying to think of what I've done this week. I finally broke down and saw that movie Signs. For some reason it really didn't look appealing to me, but I actually thought it was kinda funny. I went with Lacey and Athina...and I think Lacey was a bit embarrassed. Athina was getting really scared and yelling in the movie theater and then we were walking around like green aliens after the movie and repeating lines and making jokes. We were really hyper...but I think that happens when you don't get out of a movie until 1am. And that wasn't the end of my night. We went to pick Lacey's boyfriend and his roommates up at a bar, so they weren't driving after they'd been drinking (Yay!...it makes me happy when people plan ahead for a designated driver). Anyway, we went back to his place and his roommate was cracking me up. We played cards for a few minutes and then got bored with it, but this guy wouldn't stop talking. He is from Washington, somewhat near Seattle, so he had a million questions for me about places I'd been and places I should go. He is from a small town, and very traditional when it comes to men treating women a certain way, and he loves hard work...it was kind of nice to talk with a man who respects women so much. It's sad to say that is hard to come by, but I have to say it can be, especially in a non-Christian atmosphere. Anyhow, we stayed over there until past 3am and then I had to drive all the way home (about 20 miles north), but I made it safe and slept quite well. I'm worried about the sleeping schedule I've gotten myself used to. I've been sleeping in way too late. I decided that I have to force myself to get up early tomorrow, and then I'll be tired early tomorrow night and then I can be on a regular schedule again. I have really been enjoying my time off though. I needed time to relax and get myself prepared for the coming year. God has been teaching me so much in this time I've had to really focus on Him and spend time in His word. I have loved not having any commitments or responsibilities while I've been home. I don't get that very often, and I doubt I'll have it again for awhile. There is always something, whether it is school, or a job. Um...I've been shopping a bit. I love my grandparents! Not only because they take me shopping, but they are so much fun to be around. My grandpa is the cutest, sweetest old man in the entire world. I've spent a lot of time with them while I've been home. We've gone to lunch at least once a week, and then the traditional once a week dinner with my parents and grandparents, and today they took my sister and I shopping. My grandma went with my sister, and that meant I got to spend the afternoon with my grandpa. He was so cute. He just stood around and waited for me and didn't attempt to help me pick anything out. And then he slowly wondered over to the men's shoe section to occupy the waiting time. I don't usually take very long, especially when I am looking for specific things. The time I spend with them is so precious. Plus I got some very practical clothes, and some really cute pj's. This is getting long, but I wanted to update because it's been awhile, and most likely will be awhile again, because I am leaving in two days and will be on the road. Well...Happy Monday!!

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Date:2002-09-04 00:48
Subject:I'm losing things
Mood: blank

I'm losing things. It's kind of late, so this won't be long...but I'm losing things. I have lost my book (just after I finally started reading it!...I've been waiting months to start this book), lost my glasses (which are kind of important, in the way of seeing), lost my favorite tank top (which is a stupid thing, but it was so comfortable), I feel like I'm in the process of losing a friend (which makes me terribly sad), and I think I am on the verge of losing my mind (which is an entirely different story). I do feel like I have accomplished something in the past couple weeks though, but I can't tell you exactly what...it might make it not be fully accomplished. Anyhow, I think I should go to bed before I lose anything else, or stress about what I've already lost. Does anyone else find it irritating to lose things?

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Date:2002-08-31 22:38
Subject:LA is okay
Mood: drained

I've been in LA for the past couple days. I will say that LA is okay. I had a pretty good time. Well, the reason I went up there was to visit a friend and his parents. He is starting school at Azusa Pacific University on Wednesday, and he is from Portland, Or. So, his parents drove him down and they got into LA on Thursday. The plan was for me to meet them and go to Six Flags Magic Mountain for the day on Friday, and then I wanted to check out Azusa Pacific campus and see his room, etc. All went as planned. It's always interesting to be introduced to new people by Ryan. He usually comes up with some clever title for me...I've been introduced as his fiance many times, but this weekend, for some reason I've reached the status of wife, oh and his cousin. How those two things work together are beyond me, but I think he just likes to get reactions out of people...and the look on my face (of total embarrassment) is probably worth it enough for him. Anyhow, Magic Mountain was a blast! My body was very angry with me after 8 hours of walking and standing, standing and walking, but it was all in all a wonderful day. The weather was perfect, the lines were short, and the rides were fun. The only thing I would've done differently was...avoiding Roaring Rapids! Oh did I pick the wrong seat. Out of twelve people in the raft, Ryan and I were the only two who seemed to be getting wet. I had three waves go entirely over my head. I was drenched...I mean DRENCHED...from head to toe! It ruined my belt...sad, and wet jeans aren't very much fun, but I dried and all was well in a couple hours. So, after a full day at Magic Mountain, we sat down to a nice dinner, where the guys decided they would try to embarrass us as much as possible by yelling strange things to the entire restaurant, or laughing obnoxiously...and then we headed back to the hotel, where we immediately fell asleep. Today, we went to Azusa, helped Ryan get settled, and then when the orientation and speakers were about to start blabbing, I decided that was my cue to head home. So I drove my two hours back to San Diego, and took a little nap. Then I met some friends for coffee (or tea in my case). It was so nice to see them again. It was a friend of mine who was in my youth group at church, who now has a beautiful baby girl, and her little sister, and another friend who I went to high school with. Anyway, it was nice to chat with them and get caught up, especially about the pregnancy and baby and everything. And I, of course, offered to babysit for free anytime she needed. I love babies and therefore would watch anyone's baby for free anytime of the day or night, just to clear that up.
Um...I got a phone call after that sentence, and completely lost my train of thought. Let's see...I just had an amazing phone conversation. I love friends that you can talk to...or sit with...and you always feel encouraged and glad you spoke with or sat with them. I am so blessed for the few good friendships that I do have. I couldn't ask for more perfect people in my life. It isn't that the people themselves are perfect, but just that God knew exactly who I would need in my life at exactly the time I would need them, and He placed them there. I can look back and see the moment that He placed them in my life and now understand why...and I am so thankful! Yay for friends! I feel confused about what day it is. I keep forgetting that it is Saturday and that my sister is coming to town in four days, and how fast my time has gone by at home. I think the drive back to Seattle is definitely going to sneak up on me. Wow, I think this is getting pretty long...so I'll stop..save some thoughts for tomorrow that might be a bit more entertaining to read. Goodnight!

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Date:2002-08-29 09:57
Subject:God Incomprehensible
Mood: optimistic

'Lord, how great is our dilemma! In Thy Presence silence best becomes us, but love inflames our hearts and constrains us to speak. Were we to hold our peace the stones would cry out; yet if we speak, what shall we say? Teach us to know that we cannot know, for the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God. Let faith support us where reason fails, and we shall think because we believe, not in order that we may believe. In Jesus' name. Amen.'
-A.W. Tozer

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Date:2002-08-28 23:54
Subject:Beautiful, Wonderful, Fabulous Day!
Mood: loved

It's Wednesday...and oh what a Wednesday it was! I had this dream last night. I can't describe it, but it made me giddy all day long. I've been seeing God's beauty and feeling His romance in everything I do today. I finally went to the beach, and I just closed my eyes and listened to the waves. It was so peaceful, and at the same time beautiful and powerful! God spoke, and creation was...and is! Those same waves, that same beautiful sound. It was all created for us to get a glimpse of God's beauty and glory. I've known it, but today I felt it in a new way. I acknowledged it and stood in awe of God's creation. It was such an incredible day! I have been praying about why I am home. I feel like I have had a negative attitude about being home and bored, when I came home because I felt God telling me to. I think I forgot that's why I came home. I forgot to ask Him what He wants me to do while I'm here. I started asking today. I still am not sure, and I might not know until I leave why I am here, but I feel like I finally have a positive outlook on being home. And boredom will no longer be an issue. I am going to find creative ways to use my time, even if that is simply going places I have never been and seeing things I have never seen and experiencing God's glory and beauty new and fresh. I feel encouraged and blessed to have this time at home. I'm excited to see how putting away my bad attitude will change my remaining time here. I am looking forward to going back, but I'm not dreading today...which is a wonderful feeling. Today was full of fun too. I had this project that I was working on all day. I like to call it 'Baking in a Bikini'. The weather was very warm, and baking in warm weather makes you even more warm, so basically, I threw on a bikini and blasted some music and baked yummy treats. It was fun, and then I gathered things I had to take to the post office, which was also fun. And then I went to the post office and talked with this wonderful woman in line. She was complimenting my package...because it was all pretty and taped nice and her package was a mess...it was really funny. Anyhow, I explained that I took extra time because I am trying to impress a boy...and we laughed and she made a few more comments. Then I helped her carry one of her boxes, she had two huge ones full of books...and she was like, 'I'm so glad I commented on your boyfriends package' and I wanted to laugh...first of all because I don't have a boyfriend and second for her choice of words...haha. It felt kind of nice for someone to think I had a boyfriend. Anyhow, I think that's all I feel like writing tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow...so I'm off to sleep! Goodnight!

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Date:2002-08-26 20:56
Subject:Pathetic Monday, Pathetic me
Mood: embarrassed

Okay, you can't help but feel pathetic when your dad is trying to set you up on dates. I walk downstairs and my dad, out of no where says, 'Do you want to go on a date?' Then he started telling me about this guy at work who is 23 and 6'4 and blah blah blah. It actually doesn't sound like a bad offer...but I must seem really bored for my dad to want to set me up on dates with guys he works with. I got some weird feeling, like an arranged marriage or something. Should your dad really be picking your dates out? haha. It's also kind of ironic after the conversation that I had with a good friend of mine today. I have been really bored and I would love to be asked out on a date, but I guess I have a certain person in mind...who is out of the state, which doesn't help. It would be a harmless adventure I suppose. I'm really just thinking out loud. It shouldn't really be a big deal. Anyhow...
I had a pretty boring day. I went to the post office, and then came back and started putting a package together for someone. I like getting things in the mail, so I decided that if I want to receive mail, I should send it to others...so I am. The post office always seems crowded. I always have to wait in line forever. Maybe it's just the post office by my house. Anyway, I got back and thought up some silly way to have a conversation with someone I didn't have any reason to have a conversation with. It's part of my figuring out the answer to the question in my last entry. Then I have basically been having a heated discussion with a friend about all sorts of touchy subjects, threw in dinner and an episode of friends at 7:30, and here I am, back at the computer. And that's all I'm going to write for now.

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Date:2002-08-26 02:52
Subject:Something is very wrong with me
Mood: confused

I think I am going insane. I feel completely useless here. I have no job, which I was actually excited about, but I have nothing to do. It's sad when home isn't home anymore. I finally set a date to start the drive back to Seattle. I leave the 12th of September. It could be worse, could be better. The main issue was getting to see my sister. Our trips home barely overlap, which is sad. Anyway, I have a full week with nothing, I repeat, nothing to do! I haven't been in the mood to read, which is very unlike me. I don't know what to do with myself. My mind is becoming more and more active in a bad way...I am getting foolish thoughts about things and people, and day dreaming about a future that is very uncertain. Why do I think that anything I can dream up would even compare to the greatness of God's plan for my future? It's so frustrating, because I love to imagine what He might bless me with, but I forget about the right now and what I already have. I'm babbling...it's way too late and I wish I could sleep. I don't think I have the strength to calm my mind. I have a question, actually it is someone else's question, but I am going to echo it just in case someone actually reads this and has any idea of an answer. The question asked was: 'How do you get to know somebody that you (A) don't know, (B) rarely see, and (C) have no good way of establishing communication with? Well, under normal circumstances I'd say, "Um, none, so give it up." But let's say for the sake of argument that the circumstances are not normal, how would I do get to know the person?' –Anonymous
It is a strange question, I know, but for some reason it's bothering me that there isn't a good answer, at least not yet. It may just be a stupid question. It is obviously way too late for me to be making any sense, so I will spare you from further jumbled thoughts. Goodnight!

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Date:2002-08-23 23:29
Subject:There is probably a reason why some movies are unrated
Mood: irritated

My head hurts very badly. I finally gave in and took some medicine, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I don't mind when your head hurts and you are tired and can fall asleep and wake up without your head hurting, but I'm not tired. I slept in really late today, so I have at least a few more hours before I will be tired enough to sleep. Oh well. Hopefully the medicine will kick in. I just watched the most disturbing, ridiculous movie! It's called 'The sweetest thing' or something like that. And I was under the impression it was a love story and a story about two friends on a mission to find this guy she's in love with...and boy was I mistaken?! It was so gross! These girls were really trashy and at one point in the movie they actually sang a song about certain body parts belonging to men. How inappropriate is that?! I didn't know that movies could actually be so crude. They should have named the movie something else. Anyhow, I was shocked and actually confused why I didn't turn it off in the middle. It wasn't bad the entire way through, and these bad parts, I didn't really see coming. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone though. If you haven't seen it already...please don't! There is probably a good reason why some movies are unrated...it's a warning not to see it. Well, sad to say, that was the most interesting part of my day. I got my computer back with a brand new hard drive, which was equally exciting and frustrating. I couldn't figure out how to get some things working, such as my email...but I am blessed to have friends who know way too much about computers...and if they can't help, they know someone who can, so I got it all figured out. I sorted through pictures yesterday. I found some really wonderful picture boxes, so now I can actually get organized and throw away those old photo albums with those sticky pages, do you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, I found some hilarious pictures from my childhood that I cannot wait to show my friends at school. Old pictures are so much fun! I wish I remembered to take more pictures. I am thinking about asking for a nice camera for my birthday. I have quite a long time before my birthday, but I like to think about things like that far in advance. I think I am going to rest and see if that helps the ache in my head. Happy Friday!

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